Article Index

The Olsen Twins, no matter how famous they were, never quite became associated with quality cinema. Sure, To Grandmother’s House We Go seemed good when you were 7, but poor acting starts to become more apparent when delivered by grown women rather than toddlers. Because of that, the Olsens' current film career has flopped and they’re being forced to — gasp — act separately if they want work. However, despite their questionable acting abilities, they still maintain one of the biggest marketing empires around by filling Wal-Mart aisles with everything from sweatshop-fresh clothes to dolls of themselves (which quite possibly weigh more than they do). Thanks to the Olsen brand, they have become two of the wealthiest college dropouts ever. It's just too bad that Mary-Kate had to get involved in Heath Ledger’s death.

Grades: Mary Kate = Incomplete; Ashley = A-

I know what you’re thinking: who? You probably know her better as Topanga, Cory Matthews's ever-enduring love interest on the seemingly endless Boy Meets World. To be honest, I think the actor that played Mr. Feeney still thinks he’s on the show. However, after the show (finally) ended, Topanga essentially dropped off the map. Of course, she popped up once in a while in movies ranking just barely above porn (for instance Dorm Daze), and TV shows that rank even lower (The Tyra Banks Show). However, now she is hosting her own show on E! called The Dish. If it were simply a show on E!, her ranking really wouldn’t go up much. But the fact that it’s the sister show to The Soup, with a focus on fashion rather than TV, makes it a lot better. Anything related to The Soup must be pretty good. You’re on the upswing, Topanga!

Grade: C-

Bynes landed every child's dream job as a comic personality on Nickelodeon, first as a cast member on All That before starring on her own sketch comedy show. Was it painfully unfunny? Of course, but little kids also like the Jonas Brothers, so there’s no sense in trying to figure that out. Since then she has made her own niche in the movie industry by continuing the odd trend of updating classic pieces of literature into teen comedies. To date, Bynes has been in both Sydney White (based on Snow White) and She’s the Man (based on Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night). However, what has really made Bynes remarkable is that she is a young woman in Hollywood who has yet to be caught with cocaine in her pocket, get a DUI, or even make one measly sex tape.

Grade: B

Before becoming a perennial member of the Maxim "100 Hottest Women", Jessica Alba was a cute child star. Despite a starring role in the movie Camp Nowhere and the TV show The New Adventures of Flipper, she never managed to hone her craft. We all know Alba is a huge star now, so she scores a lot of points for that. However, the quality of the films she’s been in is downright shameful. Good Luck Chuck? The Eye? The Love Guru?? There’s no denying Alba’s success, but she really needs someone with taste to pick her scripts for her.

Grade: C+

Lindsay Lohan became a child star thanks to her redheaded adorability, but it was her actual acting ability that catapulted her to the frontline of this generation of actors. However, that lasted for all of two movies: Freaky Friday and Mean Girls. After that, it was all downhill. Rather than being famous for delivering lines, Lohan is now far better known for snorting them. Lohan has become an alcohol guzzling, crotch flashing, rehab attending, car crashing tabloid sideshow. And to top it all off, her movies are dreadful. Anybody that suffered through all of I Know Who Killed Me is well aware that no criticism of Lohan is too harsh.

Grade: D

I see dead careers. There, I got that joke out of the way early. But really, Haley Joel Osment is one of the greatest examples of a fast to fade child star. He hit it big with The Sixth Sense, becoming that rare breed of child star that is actually considered a good actor. However, as he crept towards his teenage years the curtains fell on Haley’s career. Not even Secondhand Lions or The Country Bears could salvage his sinking career.

Grade: D-

Macaulay Culkin is perhaps one of the most succesful child actors of all time. When Home Alone premiered, Culkin-mania spread across the entire nation. Paint cans swung from staircases and faces became red and raw from all the trademark double cheek Culkin slapping going on. But as he grew up, Culkin’s box office draw faded, along with his own interest in even being a star. He did, however, want all of the money that came along with it, which led to a nasty legal battle with his own parents over his earnings. After years away from Hollywood, he finally returned to make his name again, but this time on his own terms with riskier indie movies like Party Monster, Saved! and Sex and Breakfast. One of the perks of being obscenely rich: you don’t have to be in anything for the paycheck.

Grade: B

When she burst onto the Hollywood scene in E.T., Drew Barrymore was one of the sweetest little girls around. However, after stealing the nation’s collective heart she stomped on it with a downward spiral that should make us all wish reality shows existed in the 80s. Not only did she become a drug addict and alcoholic before even becoming a teenager, she even went as far as to flash David Letterman live. On second thought — that was pretty cool. After all that, she still managed to avoid hard time in prison long enough to become a full-fledged movie star. We’ll even ignore that whole marrying Tom Green misstep.

Grade: A

Jerry Maguire is definitely one of the few watchable Tom Cruise movies, but in the case of little Lipnicki it turned out to be his only watchable movie. Sure, Stuart Little is fun if you want to watch a less grumpy version of Dr. House hang out with a mouse, but aside from that Lipnicki’s resume is blemished with the irreversible damage that is The Little Vampire and Like Mike. When you’re playing second fiddle to Lil Bow Wow you know you’re star is fading. Alas, poor Lipnicki is perhaps the most potent example of funny looks being embraced as adorable in an adolescent and dismissed as just plain ugly as the years roll on.

Grade: F

The first film to be rated NC-17.  Literary types have more fun, especially if it's 1931 in Paris and one of you is Henry Miller and the other is Anaïs Nin.  Miller's wife June (played by Uma Thurman), has close to nothing to do with it, but calling it Henry and Anaïs was too weird, what with mispronunciations and all.  This movie emphasizes how scarce NC-17 films are: Universal released Henry and June in 1990.  The next NC-17 film Universal released was a decade and a half later, Inside Deep Throat (2005), a documentary.

A period Chinese spy thriller, and a good one, with a ton of tension and intrigue.  (Yeah yeah--and some steamy sex, mostly toward the end.)

That's right, despite the title, this hilarious and provocative documentary about the MPAA was rated NC-17.  Retaliation?  You be the judge.  Bravo to this film for not being hypocritical and re-editing for an R, a big "boo" for lying in the title--it is rated: the respectable NC-17.

This film surrendered its NC-17 and went out without a rating at all.  It's creepy as all get-out and not for everybody, grown-up or not.  Another ironic title--none of the characters is the least bit happy.  Their misery is both horrible and funny, and we're invited to sympathize no matter how awful their behavior.  The good news--it's all about sex.  The bad news--not the kind of sex that makes anybody feel good.  Happiness will make you think, so I say skip it and watch #6.

Wha?!  You're putting Showgirls on a list of "greatest" anything?  That's right, I'm applauding United Artists, who courageously attempted to broaden the acceptance of NC-17 films by opening this disaster in 1,388 theatres.  This is the only NC-17 film to ever be given wide distribution.  The result?  It destroyed Carolco Pictures and sealed the deal on NC-17 films, forever to be considered boxoffice poison.  This is the biggest backfire since Nixon shoved a microphone up his desk.  (Ironically, in a double turnaround, Showgirls is a major DVD hit and the largest grossing NC-17 of all time with over $20 million gross sales, and I mean gross.)

Here's some bondage from Pedro Almovódar, not to be taken seriously, about a stalker who ties up his victim in hopes she'll marry him.  (Don't try this at home, kids.  It doesn't work, trust me.)

Another delightful romp with Pedro Almovódar down a crooked road to goofy-ville.  Rape, incest, suicide and murder all presented with the same gleeful exuberance.  Almovódar is the king of NC-17, and proof that just because it's adult, it can be child's-play too. 

This film is a good argument why the NC-17 rating, or something like it, is necessary.  One of those rare films that treats adult subject-matter in an adult way, this may be Gregg Araki's best film, certainly his most accessible.  Even if you're not into gay sex, go ahead and enjoy the amazing plot and incredible performances.  Discuss: is the rating because of the explicit sex (there is none) or because it's gay sex?

Don't confuse this with that other Crash about LA people doing wacky LA things; this is the earlier David Cronenberg film about people who enjoy(?) a certain fetish.  Not a good first date movie, Crash may actually steer you away from sex and toward public transportation.  It features the go-to guy for kinky love, James Spader, and a great tag-line: "Fasten your seatbelt."

This Darren Aronofsky-directed movie is a case of The Double Dance. Originally tagged NC-17 for "intense depiction of drug addiction, graphic sexuality, strong language and some violence," (whoops--they left out "icky stuff" and "Ellen Burstyn looking nasty") it went to theatres as unrated, then to video in a slightly trimmed R version. You can watch the whole thing for free here.

Single White Female finds the line between passive-aggressive and psychopath — and crosses it! Starring Jessica Lundy, Bridget Fonda and Jennifer Jason Leigh, this thriller will make your roommates seem like Mother Teresa.

Try It At Home

Invite your roommate out to a movie as a peace offering, then send text messages the entire time. If they ask you to stop, tell them it’s an emergency.

This movie has all that 80s bachelor charm you’ve been craving: Tom Selleck, Ted Danson, and Steve Guttenberg. You know you love watching all hell break loose when a baby shows up on their doorstep.

Try It At Home

Alphabetize all your movies by director’s last name. When your roommates inevitably fail to file the movies correctly, leave notes on their pillows.

A college administrative error rooms two men with a woman named Alex. Like Three’s Company, only reversed, this somewhat far-fetched flick has some priceless low-brow dialogue, and a fight over who’s been eating all the yogurt!

Try It At Home

Don’t just turn off the TV, unplug it. If you’re asked about it, suddenly remember: “Oh, yeah, I was vacuuming/dusting/watering the plants and the cord was in the way.” Apologize profusely, then do it again in about a week.

Finding herself unemployed after college, an unsuspecting young woman opts for the job of an uptown Manhattan nanny, but working for Mrs. X (Laura Linney) is enough to make her move back to New Jersey — almost. Hilarious ‘sad-but-true’ scenes capture full-on nanny passive-aggression in action.

Try It At Home

When in doubt, hide the remote.

The Apartment is another great movie starring Jack Lemmon alongside a young Shirley MacLaine. When an insurance administrator tries to climb the corporate ladder, he uses his apartment as collatoral, but things get out of hand. Don’t miss the timeless scene with Lemmon straining spaghetti with a tennis racket.

Try It At Home

Put dead batteries in the remote control. Feign ignorance.

Hitchcock’s classic murder flick Rope puts the aggressive back in passive-aggressive when two men murder their roommate then invite his family over for dinner, while the body is still in the apartment. Starring Jimmy Stewart.

Try It At Home

Arrange a special movie night with your roommates, then check out a scratched up movie from the public library. Make sure the movie you pick has a very suspenseful plot, such as The Bourne Supremacy. Don’t forget popcorn to build up the anti-climax.

Neil Simon’s The Odd Couple is the passive-aggressive roommate movie for all time. The best line is perhaps when Oscar (Jack Lemmon) tells off Felix (Walter Matthau) for leaving mean little notes: “You leave little notes on my pillow! I told you a-hundred-fifty-eight times I cannot stand little notes on my pillow. ‘We are all out of cornflakes. F.U.’ Took me three hours to figure out ‘F.U.’ was Felix Ungar.”

Try It At Home

Send back your roommates' Netflix picks as soon as they arrive. If they ask, feign ignorance.